right foot, left foot, repeat - before you know it, you're moving forward.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I always thought theatre was the answer. But now, I'm not so sure. Don't get me wrong, I always want theatre to be a part of my life. I just don't know if I want to do it professionally. Why? Lots of reasons. Reasons I could list and go on and on and on about. But why? All it does is make me upset.

I know some of you reading this right now are thinking "OMG, not theatre? That's disappointing." or "Ha, I knew she couldn't cut it." or "She never was talented enough", or "Why? You are so talented" or maybe you don't care (to each their own). One, I don't know what I want with my life. Maybe I'm just going through a phase and I will come back to theatre wondering why I ever second guessed this career. Two, if you are disappointed, I'm sorry. No, wait, I'm not. I'm so appreciative of everyone who has helped me and believed in me and rooted for me all these years, but this is life.  My life, and right now something in my life is out of balance and I'm incomplete. I need to find something that makes me whole. If I don't at least try to figure out what I need to complete my life, then what is the point of living?

What next then? Grad school for business, marketing. "WHAT? But Jasmine, you hated school!" Yes, you're right. The truth is that I was so caught up in theatre and the drama it involved that I couldn't wait for class to be over and to get in the theatre. I fed off the spotlight and drama that surrounded me. I couldn't get enough. But now, I'm almost 23 and I'm tired of it. Their comes a point in everyone's lives where you have to grow up and move on. Well, I'm burnt out and confused and lonely and tired. I'm done coming home at the end of the night feeling unfulfilled after a LONG days work in the theatre. I have great days at the theatre (and bad, bad ones too) and still at the end of the day, it feels like there is a big gaping hole in my chest. I don't know why and I don't know how to fill it.

That's where grad school comes in. My second year of college, I started working in the theatre management office on campus and I loved it. I loved learning about marketing and the strategies and the working with people. So, why not get my MBA? What have I got to lose? NOTHING! For weeks, I've been going back and forth about what to do, but everything seemed like an awful choice. But I really don't have anything to lose here. Once I graduate, if I decide to go back into theatre, NYC will be there and I will be more qualified for more positions. If I decide theatre (professionally) is not for me, then I move forward with a career in marketing.

I'm too young to plan out the rest of my life, but one is never too young or old to start moving in the direction of their future.

Dreams

Another sleepless night, I glance to the window and wait for the train to pass.
I close my eyes -
I squeeze them shut -
Waiting for my dreams to come.
Who knows what another night's dreams will bring.
Laughter. Fear. Clarity. Heartache.
Each night different yet always the same.

My daydreams and my nights start to blur together.
I ask myself over and over how to tell the difference.
But my dreams, they always come and they always go,
leaving me with the same burning question -
will it happen for me?

Those dreams that haunt and torment
that fill me with laughter and joy,
are those in store for me?
Will it happen for me?

Everyone says go and fight and work to achieve your dreams.
But do they really know what I want? Do I?
Some things may need to be left to chance.

Another train passes by the window.
I close my eyes -
I squeeze them shut -
Sleep starts to take hold.
My last thought before I dream on - will it happen for me?

How do you know...

How do you know that what you are doing with your life is right? You don't. There is no right or wrong answer. Well, if there is a right answer, you don't know until your life is over. No going back, no changing what is in the past. So how do you decide what to do?

I would like to take this moment and explain what has been going on the last couple of weeks. Oh, where to start. I'd been feeling blue because of the weather and the fact that the job that was supposed to pay my rent fell through the week I got here and haven't found a replacement one yet. The weather has been up and down and all over the place. I'd gotten sick two weeks ago and was pretty miserable. Then my computer died. Great. For those of you who don't know, my computer is my life. It had everything from the last three years of my life on it. Plus, I have been constantly running into people with the worst attitudes. **I want to clarify. New Yorkers are almost always lovely, kind, and eager to help.** But I seemed to be coming across a lot of people who have made me want to rethink the decisions I have made in my life. So anyways, those have been my last few weeks. Back to the original reason of this post. 

From the time I was in high school (and possibly before that) I've always known what I wanted to do with my life. 1)Move to NYC. 2)Star on Broadway. 3)Be famous. period. 1.2.3 that's it. But life isn't like that. Theatre is so much harder than that. It is work a day job, living paycheck to paycheck. Auditioning as often as you can. (Meaning getting up at the crack of dawn and waiting all day to sing 16 bars.) And praying that one of these directors will notice your talent. The truth is, that there are thousands of unbelievably talented people in NYC all waiting for their big break and they all deserve as much as the next. Unfortunately for us, it is 2011. Theatre is alive, but it's alive for the well know names. All around me, shows are going up everyday - with a big name. As I walked down 8th ave today towards Broadway, I saw Robin Williams was in a show. I saw that Daniel Radcliffe was in a show. James Earl Jones. Vanessa Redgrave. and on and on and on. If you were lucky enough to be discovered years ago, your reign on broadway will live on. Norbert Leo-Butz, Sutton Foster, and on and on and on. The fact is that broadway is all about the name. Do I really want to compete with that?

I know you are thinking, "come on Jasmine, aren't you up for the challenge?" Sure I am. I would love to be up for the challenge, but there is more to my rethinking my life than this. 

Theatre is supposed to be fun. That's why I pursued it. Nobody wants to spend the rest of their life doing something that isn't fun or that they begin to dislike. Now, I don't hate theatre. I love theatre. But slowly, it's losing that something special for me. I think I loved theatre because of the people that I worked with. They became my family and we took care of each other and loved each other. That's what theatre should be. But more and more, it's not. It started in college and has run over into my theatre life after college. It is more of everyman for himself. Which is ridiculous and, quite frankly, disgusting. We should work together. Technicians, actors, management, everyone. If we can't work together then we will fall apart. But there are always more than one person who is so consumed in their own life and doing what is best for them, that my love for theatre is slowly dwindling. I find myself getting angry almost everyday. And when I get angry, I get sad because I loath being angry.

Sure, you can say all you want that nobody "loves" their job. I know that. But I LOVE theatre and I don't want that to be ruined. It was and still is my life and I want to hold on to why it was so important to me. 

I'd been feeling like this for some time. I was asking myself everyday if this is what I want. So HOW DO YOU KNOW?

To top all of this off, I had a dream a few nights ago. I was in Jasper and I was a little bit older than I am now. I had opened a bakery with Jade and I was happy. That's it. That was my dream. Nothing weird, or scary, or anything. But I woke up sad. 

Since then, I've been questioning if what I was doing was right. I bet you want to know if this is it? Is my time in NYC over? Am I coming home? No. At least not yet. That wouldn't be fair to me. I've dreamed this up for so long, so to come home now would be disappointing to everyone, but mostly me. I have to give myself a fair amount of time to decide what I want in my life. Who knows, maybe I am just getting ahead of myself and I am being completely stupid about all of this. Maybe the way I'm feeling now is right and I am meant to do something else with my life. But I DON'T KNOW. And as much as that frustrates me and makes me angry because I am impatient, I know it is the right thing to do. It's the right thing because in 20 years, wherever I am, I can look back and say I tried. That, I do know. 

when it's cold outside, have a cup of coffee and a warm conversation.

19 inches. Stop. Take a moment and think about it. Now imagine 19 inches of snow. Sick, right? But, this is the city that never sleeps. So, you get up, put on all the layers and complete the look with a good sturdy pair of snow boots (thanks mom and dad!) and you jump on the subway. You stop for food and drink and then finally end up in the rehearsal room. (Or somewhere else, but this is my blog, so rehearsal room is where you'll end.)

Here's what's nice about working with an Equity company, you get normal break times. YAY! So, dinner break rolls around and I get a great chance to go get some coffee and a bagel with the great Katie! (Here comes the shameless plug) Katie is the choreographer for Blood Wedding and The Dybbuk in Marvell Rep's Inaugural season. She is someone I have worked with before and not only is she great dancer/choreographer, she is a fantastic person!

So, over dinner we go to Starbucks and sit down to enjoy some coffee and catch up since the last time we saw each other. We talked about life in NYC, friends, family, theatre, auditioning, and the list goes on. It was so wonderful. The thing is though, that I hadn't had caffeine in almost two week, so the coffee just hit me. Before I knew it, I was just talking and spilling my guts about all the above mentioned things. How I don't know if waiting to become Equity is the right thing? How my sisters got married in September. What a great support system my three best friends are. And on and on and on.

Now, the conversation wasn't one sided at all. Katie told me a lot of things as well. It was just a wonderful conversation. Time just flew by. As it was time to go back to rehearsal, we gathered our things and braced ourselves for the cold. The most amazing thing though.... the conversation just continued and I never once noticed cold air or the snow surrounding me.

That's the cure. I can get so down and just "blah" when winter hits (especially 19 inches of winter white), but when it's cold outside, have a cup of coffee and a warm conversation. <3

From one window to the next

This morning (Sunday, January 16), while mom and dad went to pick up Jade and Dmitry from the hotel and everyone else was still asleep at the house, I stood by the sink getting myself a glass of water. While standing there, I looked out the window that overlooks our back yard. I could see the woods to the right, farmland to the left and the far back past the yard, and the garden at the bottom of the hill. I could also see the tree that stands just to the left of the window. It was a beautiful morning. The snow was almost completely melted away and you could see the slightest trace of where the family and I went sledding a few days back. There were 3 beautiful blue birds jumping from the tree to ground gathering stuff for their homes and I couldn't help but smile. That was the exact same thing I was doing - gathering stuff for my new home.

It really got me thinking about Jasper and New York. How different the two are in almost every way imaginable.  I could look out at my back yard in the country and recall almost every memory spent out there. It's my home. The place I grew up, with a warm bed and a home cooked meal, with my family that I love so much. Now I'm in New York and the view is much different. There is no back yard, or garden, or family, or memories. It's cold and scary and new. But exciting. 

I can't say I want to grow up and be an adult. Honestly, who does? Being an adult is hard work and being a child is easy. Growing up though, is a must. And if I must, then I am going to try and make it the best I can. So, I have to learn how to make home cooked meals, I'll have to make new memories, and though I won't really have a back yard of my own or a garden like my dad's, I'll have my own home and my own warm bed and my own bills, and career, heck, I may even get my own library card. 

So, what's the point of looking from one window to the next? Well, like growing up, it's a must. While one window may hold a view that is beautiful, comfortable, and familiar, you never know what view is in the other. And while at first that new view seems cold and scary, if you take the time to look out carefully, you just may find something just as beautiful, exciting, and worth your time <3

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

So, I blogged (if 5 entries count as blogging) while in the UK and I really enjoyed it, but things got...hmm... complicated and I stopped because of other things going on in my life. However, I enjoy journaling and this is a good way to do it without killing trees! I'm not writing this for others (sorry) but if you want to read along as I blog, feel free. It is public after all.

I don't know how often I'll write, I don't know what I'll write about, heck I don't even know if anything I write will make sense, but write I will (when I feel like it). 

I've been wanting to write about 2010 for a couple of weeks now and just haven't gotten around to it. What better time to write than the present. 

So, here is 2010 in a short format....

*2010 NEW YEAR: The year started off beautifully... No really it did, in beautiful, sunny San Diego. It's the last family trip that the Ruckriegel's had before they started marrying off. We figured it would happen, but not like it did... but that is further in the year. This is January. So, I started the year in San Diego with my family and if you ask me, it's the only way to spend the start of a year. (With your family, not necessarily in San Diego.) 

*THEATRE: The year was filled with tons of theatre, naturally. The first production of the New Year was Hamlet and I played Queen Gertrude. Challenge? You have no idea. But that is the whole point of going to school, is it not? Starting in January was the prep for the 2010 summer season of New Harmony Theatre. I traveled with Lenny and Amy again to NYC in February to run auditions. Of course it was a blast. Casting 3 outstanding shows and seeing countless numbers of truly talented people. Seriously, one of the BEST jobs I've ever had! I was asked to participate in the Off-Broadway staged reading of Before the Rain. I read staged directions and assistant directed under Lenny Leibowitz. I love management and casting, but of course I most passionate about performing, which is a huge chunk of what I did for NHT this summer. I played Maria in School for Scandal, I read Hilda (side note: I *LOVE* this character) in The Lady from the Sea, I read a couple different parts in The Dybbuk, and I directed and read for Mabel in the original musical, Before the Rain. Aside from performing, I  was co-Artistic Director for the Second Staged Reading Series through NHT and assistant directed Ain't Misbehavin'. Definitely an interesting year of theatre, but an awesome one!

*TRAVEL: Hmmm...... ok, San Diego to ring in the New Year. New York City in February for NHT auditions. New York City in May for an Off-Broadway staged reading of Before the Rain. Chester, England for school. Mini-travels while in England: Northern Wales, London, Venice, Rome, Paris, Berlin, Liverpool, Manchester. Whew... that's crazy. 

*(NEW) FRIENDS & (NEW) FAMILY: So, this summer the Russians invaded. Well, only 3 of them. Dmitry, Alex, and Dima. Three came to the states and only one went home. Leave it up to the Ruckriegels to keep 2 Russians. Seriously though, love these guys. I miss Dima all the time and wish that he wasn't half way around the world. But I really believe that our paths will cross again. As for Alex and Dmitry, I've always wanted brothers and I knew I would get them when my sisters got married, but I didn't think they would all get hitched so fast, but that is life. So, as of September I had two new brothers-in-law (oh, and I've decided that saying brother-in-law is too much and quite stupid, so I will forever refer to them as my brothers). Then (though, this was expected) Camille got engaged to James *FINALLY*. So now it looks, like three brothers for Jasmine, although James won't legally be one until the end of 2011. I can't forget about my lovelies in England, no can I? Kortnei (my awesome roommate, who is totally bad-ass), Laura (my crazy neighbor who also loves theatre and was my travel buddy), and of course Luis (Mr. Puerto Rico himself and my stalker... I know *ABSURD* right [sorry, inside joke] ). I met so many people while abroad and I will always hold a special place in my heart for them, especially Kortnei, Laura, and Luis.

Wait, this is getting awfully long.... so let's end with ringing in the New Year 2011... with family and friends, naturally. All-in-all, 2010 was a pretty good year. Great family, great friends, great theatre, and great travels. It's hard to get it all with this pitiful entry, but you try blogging about an entire year in one post. 

But it's a new year with new days. What does 2011 hold for me. Well, it holds a life in NYC with two jobs, including one with Marvell Repertory Theatre (Here's my plug.... CHECK IT OUT! It is NYC only true rotating rep company and I know for a fact that the company is awesome!). It holds 3 weddings.... Now, that is crazy, but crazy in a beautiful way. 

It also holds happiness. I can feel it. I'm not perfect. Actually, no where near it. But I try to continue to learn and grow. I often learn small things, but once in while I learn something huge. That's what happened in 2010, I learned something huge. I can be happy. Not just, "hey, yeah, I'm cool. I'm happy. Things are good.", but really really happy. Happy as in where you are, who you're with, what you're doing and constantly pursuing that happiness. 

In 2010, I learned that I can be truly happy. So, in 2011, I will be. That's it, that's my resolution. To constantly pursue happiness and to truly be happy. 

"If you want to be happy, be." - Leo Tolstoy