How do you know that what you are doing with your life is right? You don't. There is no right or wrong answer. Well, if there is a right answer, you don't know until your life is over. No going back, no changing what is in the past. So how do you decide what to do?
I would like to take this moment and explain what has been going on the last couple of weeks. Oh, where to start. I'd been feeling blue because of the weather and the fact that the job that was supposed to pay my rent fell through the week I got here and haven't found a replacement one yet. The weather has been up and down and all over the place. I'd gotten sick two weeks ago and was pretty miserable. Then my computer died. Great. For those of you who don't know, my computer is my life. It had everything from the last three years of my life on it. Plus, I have been constantly running into people with the worst attitudes. **I want to clarify. New Yorkers are almost always lovely, kind, and eager to help.** But I seemed to be coming across a lot of people who have made me want to rethink the decisions I have made in my life. So anyways, those have been my last few weeks. Back to the original reason of this post.
From the time I was in high school (and possibly before that) I've always known what I wanted to do with my life. 1)Move to NYC. 2)Star on Broadway. 3)Be famous. period. 1.2.3 that's it. But life isn't like that. Theatre is so much harder than that. It is work a day job, living paycheck to paycheck. Auditioning as often as you can. (Meaning getting up at the crack of dawn and waiting all day to sing 16 bars.) And praying that one of these directors will notice your talent. The truth is, that there are thousands of unbelievably talented people in NYC all waiting for their big break and they all deserve as much as the next. Unfortunately for us, it is 2011. Theatre is alive, but it's alive for the well know names. All around me, shows are going up everyday - with a big name. As I walked down 8th ave today towards Broadway, I saw Robin Williams was in a show. I saw that Daniel Radcliffe was in a show. James Earl Jones. Vanessa Redgrave. and on and on and on. If you were lucky enough to be discovered years ago, your reign on broadway will live on. Norbert Leo-Butz, Sutton Foster, and on and on and on. The fact is that broadway is all about the name. Do I really want to compete with that?
I know you are thinking, "come on Jasmine, aren't you up for the challenge?" Sure I am. I would love to be up for the challenge, but there is more to my rethinking my life than this.
Theatre is supposed to be fun. That's why I pursued it. Nobody wants to spend the rest of their life doing something that isn't fun or that they begin to dislike. Now, I don't hate theatre. I love theatre. But slowly, it's losing that something special for me. I think I loved theatre because of the people that I worked with. They became my family and we took care of each other and loved each other. That's what theatre should be. But more and more, it's not. It started in college and has run over into my theatre life after college. It is more of everyman for himself. Which is ridiculous and, quite frankly, disgusting. We should work together. Technicians, actors, management, everyone. If we can't work together then we will fall apart. But there are always more than one person who is so consumed in their own life and doing what is best for them, that my love for theatre is slowly dwindling. I find myself getting angry almost everyday. And when I get angry, I get sad because I loath being angry.
Sure, you can say all you want that nobody "loves" their job. I know that. But I LOVE theatre and I don't want that to be ruined. It was and still is my life and I want to hold on to why it was so important to me.
I'd been feeling like this for some time. I was asking myself everyday if this is what I want. So HOW DO YOU KNOW?
To top all of this off, I had a dream a few nights ago. I was in Jasper and I was a little bit older than I am now. I had opened a bakery with Jade and I was happy. That's it. That was my dream. Nothing weird, or scary, or anything. But I woke up sad.
Since then, I've been questioning if what I was doing was right. I bet you want to know if this is it? Is my time in NYC over? Am I coming home? No. At least not yet. That wouldn't be fair to me. I've dreamed this up for so long, so to come home now would be disappointing to everyone, but mostly me. I have to give myself a fair amount of time to decide what I want in my life. Who knows, maybe I am just getting ahead of myself and I am being completely stupid about all of this. Maybe the way I'm feeling now is right and I am meant to do something else with my life. But I DON'T KNOW. And as much as that frustrates me and makes me angry because I am impatient, I know it is the right thing to do. It's the right thing because in 20 years, wherever I am, I can look back and say I tried. That, I do know.
