right foot, left foot, repeat - before you know it, you're moving forward.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I always thought theatre was the answer. But now, I'm not so sure. Don't get me wrong, I always want theatre to be a part of my life. I just don't know if I want to do it professionally. Why? Lots of reasons. Reasons I could list and go on and on and on about. But why? All it does is make me upset.

I know some of you reading this right now are thinking "OMG, not theatre? That's disappointing." or "Ha, I knew she couldn't cut it." or "She never was talented enough", or "Why? You are so talented" or maybe you don't care (to each their own). One, I don't know what I want with my life. Maybe I'm just going through a phase and I will come back to theatre wondering why I ever second guessed this career. Two, if you are disappointed, I'm sorry. No, wait, I'm not. I'm so appreciative of everyone who has helped me and believed in me and rooted for me all these years, but this is life.  My life, and right now something in my life is out of balance and I'm incomplete. I need to find something that makes me whole. If I don't at least try to figure out what I need to complete my life, then what is the point of living?

What next then? Grad school for business, marketing. "WHAT? But Jasmine, you hated school!" Yes, you're right. The truth is that I was so caught up in theatre and the drama it involved that I couldn't wait for class to be over and to get in the theatre. I fed off the spotlight and drama that surrounded me. I couldn't get enough. But now, I'm almost 23 and I'm tired of it. Their comes a point in everyone's lives where you have to grow up and move on. Well, I'm burnt out and confused and lonely and tired. I'm done coming home at the end of the night feeling unfulfilled after a LONG days work in the theatre. I have great days at the theatre (and bad, bad ones too) and still at the end of the day, it feels like there is a big gaping hole in my chest. I don't know why and I don't know how to fill it.

That's where grad school comes in. My second year of college, I started working in the theatre management office on campus and I loved it. I loved learning about marketing and the strategies and the working with people. So, why not get my MBA? What have I got to lose? NOTHING! For weeks, I've been going back and forth about what to do, but everything seemed like an awful choice. But I really don't have anything to lose here. Once I graduate, if I decide to go back into theatre, NYC will be there and I will be more qualified for more positions. If I decide theatre (professionally) is not for me, then I move forward with a career in marketing.

I'm too young to plan out the rest of my life, but one is never too young or old to start moving in the direction of their future.

Dreams

Another sleepless night, I glance to the window and wait for the train to pass.
I close my eyes -
I squeeze them shut -
Waiting for my dreams to come.
Who knows what another night's dreams will bring.
Laughter. Fear. Clarity. Heartache.
Each night different yet always the same.

My daydreams and my nights start to blur together.
I ask myself over and over how to tell the difference.
But my dreams, they always come and they always go,
leaving me with the same burning question -
will it happen for me?

Those dreams that haunt and torment
that fill me with laughter and joy,
are those in store for me?
Will it happen for me?

Everyone says go and fight and work to achieve your dreams.
But do they really know what I want? Do I?
Some things may need to be left to chance.

Another train passes by the window.
I close my eyes -
I squeeze them shut -
Sleep starts to take hold.
My last thought before I dream on - will it happen for me?